Fogged

What a stunning day this has been.
As in literally. Stunning.

It all started with me saying you don't care about my feelings.. then the Q&A, Q&A, Q&A..... and more Q&A. Then talk talk talk... yak yak yak... yeadder yeadder yeadder.......

And then it hit me. *ddddddiiiiieeeeeeewwwwww PIAK!!!*

As to what 'it' is...... let's just say, that in the midst of my accusations and emotional swing-a-doos and sayin "i want but you dunwan" crap and all, I realise I was the one who's guilty of all that.

You caused me to think. And think, I did.
The answer is there. And you know it, hence the current situation.

I was stunned.
Well, who was I trying to kid anyways? Maybe subconsciously I tried to cover it up, but it still snucked out. And you knowing me well knew that I was escaping and jumping into the easiest route out.

I cannot be selfish. Now it has hit home, I realise I had been somewhat stringing people along too. As I've so righteously accused you of doing.

Before the knot is untied in me.. before I truly find peace in my heart.. I will watch my ways.
There shall be no more comparisons, no more benchmarkings, no second best's, no measurement of whatever kind.

That shall be my resolve.

P.S.: Those of you reading this please remind me if you sense I'm veering from that resolve. I don't really care what you'd do... clobber me with a giant club or fling a bucket of iced water at me, just WAKE me up. Much appreciated your gestures..

Song

I'm weary... whole weekend's burnt. Today's class ended at 6.. woke up at 7 this morning and slept at 1 last night. I don't know how long I can take this anymore...

Until this song.

The show must go on
Inside my heart is breaking
My make-up may be flaking
But my smile still stays on.
Whatever happens, I'll leave it all to chance
Another heartache, another failed romance
On and on, does anybody know what we are living for?
I guess I'm learning, I must be warmer now
I'll soon be turning, round the corner now
Outside the dawn is breaking
But inside in the dark
I'm aching to be free
The show must go on
I'll face it with a grin
I'm never giving in
On -
with the show -
I'll top the bill, I'll overkill
I have to find the will to carry on
On with the -
On with the show -
The show must go on...

Ramblings

I cried again.
Wanted to sleep, supposed to be asleep but I simply couldn't.

Now tell me which is better?
1. Emotional or Emotionless

2. to be affected by people or to not need people?

3. getting OFfensive or being DEfensive?

4. a rollercoaster ride or plain sailing down the stream?

I hate the effect you have on my moods.
Is the best way to severe all ties and contact?
Or do as some say, 'face it and deal with it'?
Why show Care when you're incapable of maintaining it?
Why give Hope when you're unsure of what lies ahead?

* * * * * * *
WHY are you being such a stupid bitch?
You emotional piece of shit... pile of crap.
Get a life and walk away where it hurts when it hurts.
You're worth more than that.

Killing me softly

Reasons for the title >>
1. Crazy cramps. Ultra low blood pressure. Giddiness. Nausea. Home for 2nd half of yesterday and today. Ghastly pale complexion.. Brrr-eaa-a-ae-th-l-l-e-ess talk... Erractic disjointed thought patterns.... You get the idea.

2. Singapore Idol debut. Contestants killed the judges, the producers, the cameramen, the lighting people, the sound fellas, the editing crew and the tv audience.

I (think I) definitely sing better than the Cowboy and Kungfu master.

Fainted

Just came back from hiphop. I miss Feroze :( Today's some young gal Jasmine who taught TERRIBLY. So messy her repertoire!!!! Warm up not very warm up, cool down also not very cool down. Plus her movements are all girlish and not hiphoppish 'nuff. At least last week we did propa poppin' n slidin', n da moozik waz wayyyyyy betTA. This young 'un just brought a Cee-Dye along. Totally unprepared for class. Uber rolls eyes.

Oh and the headlines for tonight? Pops told me he's still paying for a 2k credit card loan with a 15.48% int rate.

*KA-BOOoOoOoMMMMMZZzZz goes da bomb*

Bluudy muthafuckas bloodsuckas banks y'all. And bluudy HDB loan that still has like 10+++ years to repay.

I need a miracle.

Movie Madness

Caught Da Vinci last night, I must say apart from Tom Hanks' greasy wavy hair precariously perched on a painfully prominent M-hairline, the movie's pretty much an okay. Definitely more than the 2 stars (stupid) ST gave. It's been very long since I last trusted ST's movie reviews by the way...

Some parts from the novel were missing.. Maybe the producers didn't see a need to follow print too stringently. The French actress's English was distractingly bad. Especially when she sounded tortured enunciating some words. Kinda slowed down the fast furrow of mindwrecking puzzle-solving depicted in the book......

And somehow, the "AHA!" moments in the movie seemed too coincidental and child's play. Maybe coz I've read the book and a-ha! has lost its element of surprise. But Hanks could've done better, I feel. At least show some twinkle in your eye or some excitement bah dude! Eh but Langdon's a boring academic.... what more do I expect?

The beautiful paintings at Lourve Museum are a-mazingly stunning. I was distracted by the portraits more than the uncovering of clues, lol. And the part where Hanks kneeled at the Pyramid got me tearing a bit. Loyalty and Love of the unswerving type never fails to get me.

*****
Next on my hit list? X-Men III and Over the Hedge. Can't wait to see my Wolverine on big screen again where I can openly gape at him without embarassment. The beauty of cinema halls..heh heh..

Oh and the cute-as-buttons awwww-invoking animals in Over the Hedge. Baby turtles and baby hedgehogs? AAAWWWWWW.......

Gotta go for my jazz dance lessons now.. till the next review (>_<)

STOP

Will somebody please tell her that I'm perfectly ok with being single??
That I enjoy the Time freedom and Independence very much, thank you?
That I'm NOT into younger men? Not when they're just gonna start uni and bitch about junior colleges and varsity teams blah blah and blah. Where all I do is reminisce and gape inwardly at how angstly young fellas are nowadays?

...............

According to you, his thinking is mature for his age.
Yes, the key words >> for. his. age.....!!
I'm 24, two rounds of the chinese zodiac. Working for 2 years and counting. Prefer hanging out with older folks, chilling to jazz/cuban and puffing cigars.

And I'm starting to like golf.

Which makes ME, older than my 24 (well that's what the countless age tests I've taken told me... I'm round 26 27-ish), a hell lot OLDER than him!!

Last but not least..........

I'M NO PEDOPHILE!!!

****
So no thank you, I'm seriously not interested. Despite you saying he wants to see me again, know me better fahlahlahlah lah. Well friends............. maybe. But even that I also find a teeny difficult...... he struck me as an angsty, jaded, full-of-super-opinionated-philosophies-about-everything-around-them type of kid.

God save me.

Thanks

"errr i dun tink i need to"
Thanks.
That was such a slap across my face.
Did I taste blood?
Thanks for waking me up.
OH yeah, nobody owes anybody anything.
How silly I've been!
Ha. ha. ha. Thanks for the slap.
I'll remember your last words well.
Forget those happy nicey talks we had.
(I don't think I need to) hold on to them anymore.

Mommy's day

Today is Mommy's Day.
I just had a brief msn conversation with Reub, who blew 400bucks on some lunch at Empire. As for me? Not a very brilliant dazzling day >>
Met nana for lunch. Renewed my amore fitness package. Shopped for new gymwear and bought 3 tops for mom (more practical than some diamond pendant). Was hoping it'll lift her moods a bit after what happened to dad..

You know, it's not easy to "get over" some things as much as I'd want to. I tried to run more, work more, laugh more, sing more, talk more, drink more. Doesn't help.

Like this incident. No doubt worse things could've happened, I'm still a little affected by the ordeal. When it happened, I felt frightened of the forces we have no control over, and of the destiny that awaits all of us. But now in the aftermath of it all, I felt I had seen more of the people around me. It's as though this incident's an X-ray machine that captures the essence of each and every human around me.

But of course, this could be our self-righteous Sharon spouting nonsense on her ego-inflating blog again. Or miss dramamama at work again.

Shrugs.

I'm thankful to those who were there. Those who were supposed to be superhumanoids carving out their career and rolling in the millions. Those who were up to their neck juggling a ridiculously young family and a flagging career. These are the people who already have not much time nor energy on their hands, and yet they were the ones who stuck close to me during this period of time.

And then there are others who simply reduced contact so drastically, I thought aliens abducting humans turned out to be real after all.

.......
...
..

Okok. I really should stop being so judgmental. Maybe they genuinely care and all I need to do is ask. I don't feel good when I think ill of others..... Benefit of the doubt, woman. Benefit of the doubt.

Fatigue II

Thurs 0545hrs Home
Woke up to go hospital. Mum wanted to beat the traffic jam and honestly speaking, we were not in much mood to sleep. Guess both of us just wanted to be there to accompany him.
It's dreadful to be in a freezing ward while you're suffering pain and feeling weak.

Thurs 0700hrs Hospital
Had some kaya toast, kopi and eggs. Tired and sleepy. To have major worries at home and at work is really taking its toll on me.

Thurs 0800hrs Ward
Dad's up and about already. He looks way better than yesterday. Maybe due to loss of blood while they removed the catheter hence pale and weak. He had my roti bun and milo for breakfast. 3 of us chatted and went on to finances. He wanted to resume driving next week.

"It's not as though I'm earning only 1k a month..." I frowned.
"No lah, you have your own expenses also. Our side we have insurance, bills etc to pay leh."

I took this chance to dig info on our family expenses.
"$370 for both our insurance.. $400 for utilities.. $40 odd for maintenance.. $100 for both our handphones.. A bit here and there adds up to about 1k per month," he calculated.
"And about $30-50 per week for groceries and toiletries," mum added.

"That's not a lot. Your citycab rental I can help u bear too. Unless u wanna return it to the company and take it up again when you've recovered. Actually 2nd uncle can help you cover during this time.. then no need to return and no need to worry. But he got gout....hmmm."

Doc has advised him to rest for 2 months. So I'm officially breadwinner for my family this period of time.

"Welcome to the club. It's not dat bad, really." Reub jested.
"Yeah. just have to cancel some trips and cut down on weekend pool, movies and such. :)" i replied.

Thurs 1315hrs Cab
We're finally on our way home. Dr. Yeo insisted on coming over to talk to dad before we're allowed to go back. I made friends with the head nurse there, who told me that Dr. Yeo is one of the 5 senior cardiac specialists in the whole of NUH.

"Normal consultants a lot.. but SENIOR ones, only 5."
I nodded. No wonder all that privileges at the hospital..... Dad was even given a private ward all to himself, though there were 'open-style' wards in the unit. She told me his consultation fees alone are horrendous. We only paid $80.

Thurs 1415hrs Office
Went back to settle some stuff for CY. He's leaving for Jakarta on Mon and needed some materials. Gotta help cos he's my neighbor and we're gonna work on many more projects together. Plus he reminds me of my dad somewhat, lol. And I value his feedback.. he keeps me grounded. Sometimes I think he makes a better leader than we-know-who.

********************

Fatigue

The past few days has been a mini drama of sorts. Even a full 12-hour sleep couldn't erase the fatigue.

Wed 1030hours Office
Called mum to ask about scope's results. Not out apparently. They were still in queue. Told them to call me when it's dad's turn to go in. And I went to the boardroom for ISO auditors' training.

Wed 1235hours Lunch
Mum called. She said dad was wheeled in for "operation" already. I thought she meant the scoping.

Wed 1326hours Boardroom
Dad text me. "Opn over at recovery ward one artery 70 block nw ballon k resting bed"
I blinked and reread his msg twice over. Showed kitty and asked her to decipher. I simply couldn't make sense of it. Balloon? Opn? recovery?? Wasn't it just a scope???
Kitty blurred too. I replied him and tried to pay attention to the training at the same time.

"balloon? u mean balloon ald or doc suggested balloon?"
"Yuh ald dn lay in bed 4 9hrs mc 14days"

My nose n eyes started heating up. My dad? Balloon op? So fast??? How's he now?? I need to get out NOW!!!
....
...
*breathes*
Ok just calm down woman.... Everything's ok. He can text you.. mum's there with him.. we know the docs there... he's in good hands. Good hands. Just breathe aite. Breathe.

"how u feelin? mum ok? whn discharged? text me ur ward n bed num"
"Ward 23 bed12 dischargd 2morow"
"ok i'll visit u after work. rest 1st"

I couldn't concentrate after that. Whole mind's in a mess. Excused myself and called mum.

"After scope Dr Yeo immediately arranged for op. Tube's still in his artery and handphones weren't allowed... Dr said go for op straight.. Else next time have to open an incision again. Double pain..."

"It's ok mum, I understand.. just sneaked out to call.. make sure you're ok. Don't worry so much k? The op was a success.. I've to go back to training now. I'd cya later k? Don't worry so mch.."

Wed 1830hrs Hospital
"Ward 23 - Intensive Care Unit"

A lump started forming in my throat. Mum was outside the room. We weren't allowed in till they're done filming. Docs had requested to film while they remove the cathether from his artery. Clip's gonna be used to train young docs.

Dad and mum consented cos the docs and nurses had "saved" his life so to say. 5 mins later, we were allowed in.

I wasn't prepared for the sight at all.

Lying flat on his back with a giant standing clamp on his right thigh was dad. In patient robes and all. It seemed all so alien to me. I was so used to seeing him in shirt and pants. I thought he was sleeping cos his mouth seemed to be hanging open. When he heard footsteps, he lifted his head to see who was it.

I was first caught by shock. Dad's face was pale, all drained of blood. He seemed to be in a massive amount of pain. His eyes had a dazed look as though pain had momentarily fuzzed his memory. I felt a sharp stab in my heart and I flinched.

Tried to talk normally to mum, asked her what did doc say. dad talked a bit too. finally I couldn't tahan and eyes started wetting. I looked away from them and asked for pictures of his heart taken before and after the op. Managed to distract them while I recompose myself.

The stupid ward was so cold. Luckily Aunt jenn and heng were on their way and I asked them to buy socks. Then brought mum down to the cafeteria. She only had like 1 cheecheongfun for the whole day.

"If you don't eat, how can you take care of dad?" She kept quiet. Then started eating more.

Wed 2030hrs Ward
Bought 2 roti buns at 7-11 just in case dad wanna eat something at night. Jenn and heng reached but wanted dinner so I went up 1st. Put on socks for dad... his feet were practically frozen. At his age, he shouldn't be suffering like that.... I thought bitterly to myself. Asked for extra blanket from the nurse and wrapped his legs in it.. Went dispensing machine bought some hot milo to warm him up.

We left abt 9plus. To be honest, mum and I were reluctant to go. But dad was chasing us away.

"I'll come back tomorrow morning with mum. Took halfday already"
"No need la haiyo.. it's just discharging paperwork. I can settle it myself la.."
"I know you're ok, but mum's not. I wanna pei her can??"
And he finally stopped protesting.

"Okok, but make sure you all have breakfast 1st hor." I grinned. Haha, my ego dad..... Rolls eyes. No wonder the genes.. =)

Wed 2143hrs Home
Showered and surfed for info on dad's condition. Never knew about all this until it struck. For the benefit of all, I'll be posting an entry on the procedure later on, together with pics. Hope it helps in some ways or another.

Mum came over to my room to sleep. We chatted and finally slept, albeit an unrestful one. I missed dad. Wondered if he'd be too cold, whether is he feeling ok. And most of all, I wished I could share some of his pain. Thankfully for the support I got during this period of time from my buddies during this period of time. Else it'd have been tougher for me.

Only on the verge of loss do people truly wake up...

Heartfelt issues

As I type this, my dad should be halfway through his trans-echocardiography. From what he told me last night, they're gonna insert a tube from his thigh and scope his arteries and heart.

I checked NUH's website. Typically takes 1 hour the examination. His appointment's at 730.

Only got to know about the severity of the situation last night when I got home. He failed his Stress ECG test on Monday, and I saw the report. Resting heartrate's 54, barely 6 minutes on the treadmill it had gone up to 148. Doc sent him immediately to NUH for further tests.

Luckily all doctors involved are our friends. Else the bill would have easily came up to 1k just for simple consultation and 1 test.

If the scope goes well, we'll need to pay only 200. Else he'll need to go for ops that cost 9000SGD excluding follow-ups and medicine. Dr. Yeo suggested dad to stay in hospital tonight so he can downgrade our patient class to that of government-subsidised rate. Otherwise we'll be considered as referral from a private clinic and have to pay many times more. The revised rate for the ops is 1100. But still.... no small amount.

I've always heard about rocket-high medical bills. But never expect it to be so cut-throat. And with reality hitting one of my most loved ones, I cannot help but feel slapped across the face.

I'm praying..... Pray for my dad too.

:(

I'm really worried now.
This morning had a chat with mum, and she told me dad almost rolled down the escalator after the ECG. Luckily he held onto the railing....
And our doc friend who did the ECG said typically people could run until Level 7 for 20minutes. My dad could only manage Level 4. 6 minutes.

:(

Tomorrow going NUH again for full check. This morning he was out early cos 2nd uncle couldn't drive. Gult acted up. I gave mum some money to make up for the lost income so it ain't so siong on him.

Sighs.

tick tock

I just got home and I'm worried.

Dad went for ECG this morning. Asked him how was it but he replied with a short msg "nvm nthg". Just now spoke to mom and she said no la, he doesn't want you to worry.

"So what did Doc say?"
"He asked us to go NUH for heart scope on wed... Will be able to check better and more accurate also.."
"Ok.. how did he fare on the treadmill?"
"Not very gd..... he was a bit too outta breath. So doc asked us go NUH. Somemore his 3 brothers all had heart probs and bypass etc.. So better be safe than sorry."

Despite telling myself, should be ok one.. don't jump to conclusions.. blah blah blah. I can't help feeling uneasy. plus I know how real it is to have hereditary illnesses in the family. Most importantly, I'm worried about the finances in my family.

Didn't help that I met a banker for dinner just a couple hours before. I'm now acutely aware how very far I am from where I should be.

"100k by 30 is a realistic figure," as he tapped his cig on the ashtray.
I went quiet. 100k is a bit little to do anything at all... I thought to myself.
I dunno why, but it's a gut feeling. I could be wrong... and it could be more than enough. But I know somehow, it's not gonna be enough for me.

1st, I'm the only child. my mum's not working. dad's 52 this year and a cabbie.. I certainly do not want to depend on my future partner cos he too, will have his own parents to take care of. Whoever he maybe, however capable he maybe, that's besides the point. It's always better to depend on myself rather than others.

Time's not on my side. I'm 24 this year, and quite far away from where I should be. Greg's already changed his lifestyle etc.. I'm rethinking about mine. How much I need inside my account by end this year, end next year, and end of 6 years when I hit 30.

tick tock tick tock....

Died in the hands of Mala Hotpot

With a dripping nose, alto voice, and watery eyes... i hereby proclaim with my fist in the air >>>

NO MORE MALA HUOGUO!!!!!!
....
...
*fist in air started to shake*
Dammit. Now where's the damn tissue?

*wipesSniffsSnifflesBlowsRubsSniffsRubsWipes*

Ok so smartypants here went to try hotpot sichuan-style, a.k.a "numb-spicy fire pot" on Monday evening. Was at Sentosa in the afternoon with CM, Des and Drix. Last minute affair. A lot of babes.... a lot of hot bods.... a lot of cannot-make-it-but-showing-off-flabs too...

I swear my figure's better than the flabs lot. So tempted to take off my top and tan, but my bright orange mambo bikini was a wee bit too loud.

Plus I'm still a bit off my ideal figure....

ANYWAYS.
It started raining crazily around 5! What's better than having steamboat while the cold air's slapping against your face? And you're all nice, warm and fuzzy inside.. especially steamboat with your good friends or family.

YYyyeeeeaaahhh....

Went this place off beach road, next to Kim's korean cuisine restaurant. Buffet style at 15 per head. We had yuanyang hotpot, which is the half-breed type of one side chicken stock, the other side sichuan stock. The layer of red oil on top of the Sichuan stock looked admittedly fearsome. I looked at it and exchanged nervous glances with Des.

"You sure about this?" was what raced thru my mind.
Then he laughed and said, "Jit bai siao liao lah. hahaha"
*GULPS*

Well it wasn't THAT bad. The stupid yellow tomyum I had at a Bangkok's foodcourt was wayyyyy worse. I still remember tearing and sniffing while drinking that soup. THis in comparison is like peanuts really.

Alas this smartyass spoke too soon. That night itself my throat hurt so much, I was awake by 6am. Tummy still burning... went office, kept running to the toilet.

What's worse is there were SICHUAN PEPPERCORNS IN MY SHIT............

You know what experts say about checking your stools cos they tell of your health? I do that on a regular basis by checking the toilet paper after I've wiped myself. Especially after I've done extreme things like swallowing glass or eating something extraordinaire.

*wipes*
"WTF?!???"
wtfwtfwtfwtfwtf.... (echoes around the toilet cos it was large and empty)

No wonder my asshole burnt so much.. Stuck on the paper were remnants of crushed peppercorns from Sichuan. They're called "flower peppers" or huajiao. The most fiery chilli peppers from the Southern province of China.

And they've just passed through my anal rectum (o_O)

So MC for 2 days. At home suffering karma. Flu decided to drop in too. So I not only have a burning asshole, but a burning forehead as well. Talk about being a truly HOT babe.