Break free of the mould

We all come with moulds, you and I.

Moulds that are instilled in us since young. Views of the world, of people and social norms. As children, we subconsciously learn from the adults. These lessons follow us throughout our adulthood, and become part of our subconscious mind. They shape our behaviours, our beliefs and affect our relationships, work and personal.

What if you realise one day that the lessons that served you then, no longer serve you now?

To me, the revelation came when I started working and progressed up the proverbial ladder. Stakeholder management, which is corporate speak for managing people, became a skill that is quintessential. A skill which I lack, and a skill which I am still learning to polish today by first unlearning my subconscious mind.

You see, when I was a child, I was brought up on a notion that we need nobody. We don't need friends. We don't have to care about what others think as long as you're true to yourself. We need to be direct and say the blunt truth, always. While these concepts served well in certain circumstances, the truth is that people do matter. Perceptions matter. And they stick to you like sweat does on a hot, humid day. Manners matter too, and increasing research has shown that a simple "thank you" results in reciprocation from the same person, and the effects are lasting. Most importantly, people remember how you make them feel, so we have to be aware of our tone, choice of words and body language.

To put it simply, it is all part of our responsibility as a member of the social fabric. And we all have a part to play in making relations a healthy one. One that's built on openness, humility, respect and manners.

I'm still learning, which is why I have decided to pen this so I may share it with my daughter when she's older. Social skills are so important today. It is no longer what you know, but who knows you. When it comes to recommendations, it is also who likes you more that will recommend you, than someone with low social skills and high technical expertise. Simply put, nobody likes to hire brilliant jerks.

It is an art form to be able to tell someone difficult news or messages, while being respectful and aware of the impact of the content on that person. An art that can be used on family, partners and the workplace. It is also in how we communicate with customers, if you're a business owner. The applications are endless.

It is time to break free of my mould, unlearn my past, and chart a new future. What about you?

Freedom and ENFP

MBTI would be a familiar concept to most of us. For the uninitiated, it is the Myer-Briggs personality test. The origins are not exactly very scientific, however the accuracy as to how the 16 personalities function are eerily accurate.

As Fate would have it, my intern and I were discussing about MBTI and I made him guess which profile I am. He said from the way I suck at administrative tasks (and I do, in fact), I would be a P instead of a J. Which totally threw me by surprise as I thought I'm an INTJ all along. It's been a few years since I last took the test; the previous results were INTJ. So to discern what I'm like now, I decided to go take the test again.

What a surprise to find out I'm actually an ENFP! Low E, actually. My sources of energy (extra vs intra) were very close in terms of results. As I read through my profile on this awesome website, it rang true how much of a ENFP I am. I found myself nodding to the descriptions on the site. What struck me the most were how creativity and freedom are important to my personality type. It was amazing and utterly mind-blowing to say the least, considering how I had just met an ex-colleague last week seeking her coachy advice, and I had shared with her that "freedom" as the most important value to me. Serendipity at work, I suppose?

I had forgotten how important freedom is to me. About 3 to 4 years ago, I was a participant at a workshop run by my talented ex-colleagues from the L&D team. It was a deep workshop, three hours of intensive exercises and activities to uncover what are our personal values. The head fake is then aligning that to what our role is in the company, thereby creating alignment and fulfillment in the job we each do.

During the workshop, we were told to pick 10 cards (from a massive deck of 100+ cards) that are most important to us, followed by picking 5 out of the 10, and then 3, and then finally 1 card. As you'd imagine, the exercise killed quite a bit of braincells and required us to dig deep within to reflect in order to reach the final card that we feel in our gut to be the tantamount principle in our lives.

We then had to explain to the rest in the workshop, why we picked that value out of the hundreds. I remember my sharing as though it was yesterday.

"Freedom is important to me as I want to remind myself that no matter how shitty Life gets, I always have the freedom of choice to do something about it. I also ambition to have the freedom of deciding when to do my best work. The freedom of how I want to make a living and earn my money. It is also important to me that we have freedom of our minds, which is to keep our minds open as much as possible. These are the freedom we have that many have forgotten. Which is why we see people grumble, become lost in the daily grind... forgetting that they always have a choice to live the life that THEY want."

A hushed silence fell on the entire room after I spoke. The moderator was speechless as well. And a good minute passed before anyone made a sound. One colleague was so touched, she had to hold back her tears though the sniffing gave her away.

Coming back to the present. The next session I have with my coach, I would share with her in detail how living a life of freedom is like, from the time I wake up till the day is done. It is worth noting that my sense of freedom comes with responsibility and common sense, which means that no throwing away of health or hurting of people. It doesn't mean free to consume drugs or commit crime. It was more of the aspect of how we live our lives. The next piece of homework she has for me, is what it means to take care of myself. Not in deeds or activities, but more generic or broad-based.

I will start another post as I reflect on my future state of life living in freedom, and how I can take care of myself. Looking forward to meeting her again soon to get insights on myself and my life!