Beer talk

Yesterday was the Single Girl's Shopping Day (SGSD). Absolutely loved it to bits!!

The time freedom, the solitary company, and the unneeded consideration made my spirits lighter somehow. I could even delay replying smses simply because "I'm trying clothes".

Anyways, got so excited over a pair of cuffed shorts, I changed into it before meeting Des (yes, for the 2nd time this week). He laughed and said my ensemble really screamed 'I'm out for summer shopping!!'. Compliment wei!

Did beers at Baden with Drix and started talking about 'types'. Drix laughed at him, that he likes 'bamboos', and that I still have a long way to go to becoming a bamboo.... But Drix himself likes 'meaty' types, so he'll take 'real good care' of me. Then Des surprised me by saying,

"No lah, bamboo no bamboo... all those looks will fade with time. Most important is thinking whether alike or not.."

I fell silent. Was that said for me to hear? Or did he really mean it sincerely? I didn't probe. Maybe I was afraid to know the answer. I enjoy the status quo now. Maybe I'm simply not ready. Maybe I'm just plain tired of relationships and the intensity of commitments and expectations that come with it.

I really dunno. Time will tell.. I'm just a leaf that's adrift on a stream. Surprise me as you've always did, Life.

Freya

Freya
You scored 79% erudite, 87% sensual, 58% martial, and 70% saturnine. That makes you a Freya.

Freya, twin sister of Frey, is a member of the Vanir family, the Norse clan of Fertility Gods. Like her counterparts - Aphrodite, Isis, Venus, and Ishtar (respectively from Greek, Egyptian, Roman and Indian mythologies), she concerned herself with sex and all that goes with it.

She was quite fond of Cats. In fact, she was said to travel about in a magnificent chariot drawn by her two regal black cats named Bygul and Trjegul that were rumoured to be possessed. After serving Freya for 7 years, the cats were rewarded by being turned into witches, disguised as black cats.

Even many of her personal traits seem cat-like. For instance, she always wore a brilliant jewel studded collar symbolizing her authority over the fiery aspect of sexuality.

Besides being the Goddess of Love, Cats, the Moon, Magic, and Sex, Freya was also skilled in a form of magic called "Seithr" (meaning "sayer" or "seer") which consisted of putting oneself into a deep meditative trance so that the secrets of the future might be revealed. She also owned a feather coat which she could use to fly between the worlds.

The Fifteen Goddesses
Neit
Minerva
Aphrodite
Artemis
Persephone
Isis
Sekhmet
Nemesis
Hera
Bast
Ilamatecuhtli
Maeve
Freya
Sedna
Macha

Link: The Mythological Goddess Test written by Nitsuki on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Last Night

Muse: One of those times which got me thinking...



I don't know what to make of last night.

You know those times, when you think 'Am I missing out on something'? I felt that way all through the night. Didn't feel like talking much. Was retreating very often into the invisible safety bubble that I create when I feel out of place...

Perhaps it comes with the realization that something (or someone) has crossed the line. I'm one of those who'll make themselves scarce if not needed. It's totally subjective, I agree. But I'm not the type to fight for someone's attention. During the movie, I leant as far as I could away from them. Hugged my bag and just zoned out into my own world where I don't have to care about human courtesies... not feel anything for anyone... nor be affected by anything around me at all.

I dunno man..
Maybe I'm in a zen-like state now. Don't wanna get myself bothered with the nuances and complications that occur among people...... Hence the self-isolating when I feel myself getting too affected by certain individuals.

But is it?

Or it could be due to certain expectations not met. False-hopes-turn-to-naught kinda thing? Maybe I have crossed the line, hence thinking more than usual. When in fact, the real puppet master is Emotions after all.

Maybe...

It could also be a simple case of misread. Misreading someone's worries about certain topics that I thought concerns me.....

Whichever the case, Last Night made me realize it might not be me after all..
Made me realize there are so many other possibilities that I'm not a subset of.. even if I'd hoped I am a part of everything. However small that part may be.......
Made me realize whatever I share and hold dear with someone is possible between that individual and others too.... that No one is unique to Anyone.

And that I may be just a piece of log that happened to be around for someone stranded out in the open seas...

It's time to pull the brakes while I still can.

Catch 22

A poem I wrote 7 years ago..

Catch 22

A time sooner than one realising
when leaving cannot be prevented.
It maybe better to depart now,
Since mixed Thoughts are not clearly sorted.

Uninvited came sudden sorrow
for a Heart too weary to sustain,
A once-complete Soul now still lingers
on hope too small for Faith to contain.

Since the Eyes have misread his concern
Might as well let mistaken Hope sink.
Perhaps by chance my sudden Absence,
could enlighten and cause him to think.

Yearning for a reference more than "friends",
Scheming hard to be The Chosen One..
somehow Despair was the sole result,
In terms of affection, I'd got none.

Finally dismissing all of them,
discreetly will my leaving be dressed.
Knowingly anymore of hints & clues,
will be seen as humor-in-excess.

Denied by empty reasons to stay,
reluctance of the Heart deems so loud.
If my feelings dare reveal naked,
would his Heart accept and not be proud?

Notion of Time

Uncovered a folder I kept during my college years. Pages filled with words, phrases and proses I never expected myself to have written.

Perhaps tinted by the memories, I found my friend's post extremely personal. In his words, "Lethargy bites down, sometimes, like the pincers of an ant would. Pinching, not enough to hurt; enough of a reminder that our time is finite. And you let it drain, for a little while. But you get up before it empties."

So many personifications of Time has surfaced since mankind learnt the art of literature. Time as the ultimate healer, as a cruel robber, as a stealthy thief, and as a gifts bringer. Will we find eventual blessings for the losses and hurt that came with time? Alas, only Time has the answer.

Latest Victim

To say I'm not affected at all would be a big fat lie.

Had the most intense lunch with some colleagues just now. Thrashed out certain issues and it confirmed my suspicions. Some person said things and made it sound in a different manner altogether. As a result, people start distrusting me.

I sensed the change in attitudes a month ago. Had asked kitty about it but she thought maybe too burn out hence the coldness. I wasn't convinced.

Did clear the air though. I was actually waiting for them to confront/clarify with me. Didn't bother to explain myself nor ask why the change in attitudes cos if they doubt me and choose to believe some rumors... Then they're not worth my time after all.

'It's work, I'm not there to socialise anyways,'
That was what I told myself to make myself feel better during that period of time when I was given the cold treatment. Shut myself up too.

Sighs...

I don't blame anyone for his/her reaction. It's all part and parcel of trigger-reaction effect. I'm just worried I'll lose some friends unnecessarily because of one woman's wagging tongue. People like Stefan whom I regard as bro.

But then again, if they choose to doubt me and believe some stupid rumors...... in the first place, they most probably ain't worth my keeping. So I should just fuck it?

Haiya dunno lah. "My weakness is, that I care too much." to quote one of my fave songs.

Weekend harvest

Done quite a bit of shopping. Yesterday IMM today TM. What can I say? The 4-letter word got me bad. Real bad...

Goatta drink, goatta flu

Rare that I'm blogging when the sun's out. Except when I'm 1) super stressed out in the office, 2) super sick and mc-ing at home, or 3) super restless on a weekend. In this case it was stress (had trainings and meetings past 2 days) that led to a visit to my doc's.

Interesting round up for last weekend: the 1-day eco trip with my folks on Sunday. Doesn't sound all that exciting, but it made me a convert - tried goat's milk at Hay Diaries Goat Farm.. As I speak, I've about 7 bottles of that wholesome stuff chilling in my fridge now. Best part is I don't fart as much as when I drink cow's milk. Save the planet, people!

I love my girls

Met up with Ammie and Jes for dinner earlier this evening. Had a madcap day at work, rushing for management meeting and white papers and case studies and slides. But the girls made the evening pleasant and boy, am I glad to have pals like them.

"Cheers to our friendship!" Jes announced as we raised glasses at Soundbar. "Hmm. 7 years already since I've known you guys..."
"Are you feeling the ITCH?" I grinned mischeviously.
They laughed. "Ya, time to switch friends eh?" Jes countered cheekily.
"But do you think 7-year itch really exist?" Ammie asked.
"It's subjective lah," I replied. "Some people two years already yang liao!"
"Yaya! Some 1 year, 6 months, or even 1 month also have. Heh.." Jes added.

Jes then asked about Reon cos I had bumped into him on my way to meet her. He offered to wait with me for her. She was so shocked to see him with me.

"Haiya... I should've looped my arm around his and given you a bigger birthday surprise!" Jes gave me a 'DUH' look and rolled her eyes. Ammie simply grinned.

End of night, came home all tired out but wearing a fulfilled smile on my face. All in all, I know I'll see these girls getting married one by one. Real happy for them that they've found good partners. And then the kids will start popping one by one. I'm gonna be a real busy (and broke) godmother for sure.

Listening to: L.A. is my Lady by Frank Sinatra

Puke

I think I'm definitely not going Boon Tong Kee for chicken rice EVER again.
Not that the chicken sucks. But I totally malu-ated myself on Tues late night when I happily emptied my innards of alcohol on the coffeeshop's floor. So much so that we had to shift to another table coz the floor was so dirty. *cringes*

Worse is I vomited again when we left. Onto the road or drain, I really can't remember. Only recalled someone passing me heaping pile of tissues and I thought I saw blood when I wiped my nose. Slipped in and outta consciousness on the drive home. My poor friends were trying to figure out which block's 538. Then staggered outta the car and held onto dunno-who. All the time zigzagging along like a limp piece of brain-fried fish.

Amazing thing of all? I could still text Leonard after all that major puking. Checked my Sent Items on Wed and saw "Wahlau i just puked on the coffeeshop's floor. Had to shift to another table even. Sheesh my kungfu rlly weaken liao". Oh well, it's once in a while that I drink 4 glasses red wine, 1 pint erdinger dark (all at one go), 1 long island tea, and 1 quickfuck shooter without any food in my system at all.

Listening to: People used to dream about the Future by A Girl Called Eddy

Flutter flutter

It might sound ridiculous. But this has got to be THE MOST SOCIALIZING WEEK in my life >> Tomorrow dinner with Kate then drinks with Leonard; Thurs dinner/IT show with Des, then kopi with Jia and Huang; Fri dinner with Ammie and Jes; Sat luncheon/high tea with Jos; Sunday high tea with Danlin. This afternoon Wern jio me Wed get smashed but had to turn him down, haha. I haven't felt like a social butterfly in sucha looong time... winks.

Used

I am frustrated and tired of mind games. I am tired of guessing what's going on and why suddenly things have seemingly come to a standstill. I feel used, somehow.

Have I placed myself too high on your multi-tiered pedestal? Under the pseudo impression that yes, we had a good friendship going on, and you enjoyed my company as much as I enjoyed yours? Or am I just simply, as what Papa Roach's song goes, "my weakness is, that I cared too much"?

It is as though someone had hurtled me down the stairs and my body doesn't hit the bottom. The process eats me up so much, I wished the end to come soon. Though I know I might be crushed to dust and powder.

Chope chope

New resolution. My blog entries are gonna be chop chop chop (i.e. short sharp and sweet). Brain's too fried lazy to recall everything at the end of each day.

Ahhh.... The bane of corporate world.

Went Grill at Devonshire last night. Kev asked us some aptitude questions. Got us all tickled. Apparently this one's used during Citibank's interview.

"Which 3 animals would you rank in order of preference? Don't think; based on instincts and gut feel."

My brain shows Cat, Dog and Sheep/Goat.

"Ok the first animal's what u aspire 2b..." Peals of laughter erupt from the table.
"I meant...... The TRAITS of that animal lah haiyo!"
"The second animal," he continued, "is what people view you as."

My brain utters, "Great. People see me as a bitch......"

"The last animal's what you really are inside."

My brain faints. For the record, since when have I become a gentle baa-baa who eats grass all day??

AArrgghhhh.... The bane of ageism.

Listening to Mambo Mindoro by Cal Tjader