MSN conversation II

espn says:
jie mie.. come on.. talk to me

cowie: never knew what pain meant till today. says:

wats there to tok abt..
i lost everything
i dun mean other aspects in life
but in love
i noe i've my family, my frens, my career
its not the end of the world
yes
but humans haf the prerogative to grieve rite
to mope
n i need dat
else i wont recover fully
i need to seriously grieve n be sad
drop to the bottomless
n den the only way
is up
i noe u all r concerned..
u dun like to c me like tis
but pls..
lemi haf the rite to mourn
feel sorry fer myself..
n den i'd be fine

espn says:
no u dun have the right
u dun feel sorry for urself
u must pull urself together
for me!!!
Still got me, I still want my jie mei !

cowie: never knew what pain meant till today. says:

u still dun geddit
i wan tis pain
i need tis pain to help me be stronger
but b4 i bcm stronger tis is a phase i muz go thru

espn says:

haiz
how long more.. i will feel hurt seeing my jie mei like this

cowie: never knew what pain meant till today. says:

its jus like fallin down haf abrasion on ur knee caps.. pain when u bathe..
but when ok ald u watch how u walk more carefully.. or learn to cycle bttr..
i dunno how lg more
i'd still be normal

espn says:

ya but u fall down liao u get up and walk

cowie: never knew what pain meant till today. says:

not as if i cant eat

espn says:

i want u to do that

cowie: never knew what pain meant till today. says:

ya i am
but im limpin with pain
pain is inevitable
sadness is inevitable
it comes tog

espn says:

but it's only for a while

cowie: never knew what pain meant till today. says:

den i'd noe wat real happiness is n wats dear to my heart

espn says:

canont be like that for long ma

cowie: never knew what pain meant till today. says:

it depends
again i said
i'd be norm
not as if i wun go to wk
nt as if i wun tok
not as if i cant sleep
i'd function as normal
jus dat internally, there's a void
i'd be fine..
no worries la
not the 1stime i kenna tis kinda pain
the pain of loss

espn says:

jie mei must take care wor... i will miss u if i don't see u one

Life

sharon...
focus on ur career
cowie: never knew what pain meant till today. says (10:55 AM):
i will
its jus..
ironic
coz i started out in sales fer me n him
fer our future
n now it seems lonely
to walk tis road alone

The Pursuit of Happyness

"What is being happy?"
I've been asked by different people many times over the past few weeks. Can one really make a conscious decision to be happy? Or in actuality we've no control over the wave of nuzziness and warmth that washes over us? Someone important and dear to me posed me that question last week. And till now, I have yet to compose a reply for him. He said he may or may not need answers. I felt I should give not just him, but myself an answer.

Hence my pursuit of happyness begins...

Happyness is... knowing there's a support in anything you do.
This form of support can come from tangible or intangible sources. Religions, beliefs, support groups, friends, families all provide support in forms of spiritual and emotional. Then there's the tangible sources like finances, academic achievements, healthy living/eating habits. All these are there as a cushion or comforter. And when one lacks support, one often finds the going tougher. I'm not saying we need to be dependent on external sources for strength. But some support will definitely transpire us to achieve more in a more positive mode. Having someone listen to you talk about your goals in life, to guide you onto the right path.. Having resources to achieve those dreams.. all these can make us happy. For me at least.

Happyness is... giving your true self and sincerity to people.
There's actually an internal being in me. Someone who allows me to sense people and to feel people's hearts. Some people call it "gut feel". It's pretty hard to describe the feeling though. It's like, when I first made contact with another person, I'd roughly know if he/she has a barrier around him/her. With this assessment, I choose the best way to touch their hearts, which often boils down to sincerity. I feel at peace and... free? No disguises, no masks, no shields, no thoughts of suspicions. Of course there'll be people taking kindness for weakness. But if we choose their path, yes we might be safer.... but will we be happy?

Happyness is... immersing yourself in every moment.
During the course of past weeks, I notice I'm most happy doing things with full concentration. It could be reading, people-watching, or taking an after-dinner stroll. Time becomes irrelevant. Mundane daily matters become inconsequential. You just give your all to the activity and enjoy every moment. Deadlines? Thrown out the window. Appointments? Another time another day. The result? I feel refreshed, alive and liberated. Perhaps that's why we often miss childhood.

At this moment, this is what makes me happy. Gonna do a checklist to see which compartments I lack and seek to improve on it. Perhaps 5, 10 years down the road my Pursuit of Happyness list will change. For now, this is good enough.

So, what makes you happy?