What matters?

An old friend commented on Facebook that I've been grumbling more of late. He's one of those friends who we seldom keep in touch, but the bond remains cos he was an important part of my life when I was going through some life crises. He usually doesn't comment much, and when he does it's usually for good measure. And it got me thinking while I was in the shower.

Am I happy?

The recent events that took place has made me somewhat frustrated and annoyed. Most times accompanied by a "huh?". I wonder where did the initial happiness go? Or have I lost myself to the daily grind and the unimportant things such as watching my back or covering my ass, and I discovered today to my utmost disgust and horror, the placement of food on my pantry, that I have lost sight of why I requested for a transfer in the first place. I had big dreams. Visions of grandeur and lofty goals of wanting to be a voice for the people. To make employees feel connected. To be that bridge between management and the people. To encourage a healthier, happier place that people look forward to work for. In short, the idea of being the maverick appealed to me. I was drawn to the assurance that my back will be covered and that my bosses will believe in me, no matter how radical my proposals may be. I know in my gut that what I do will work, and it will eventually yield results. Because what I do best is to challenge the norm and make people uncomfortable. Because it is only when people are nudged out of their comfort zone that things start moving and improving for the better.

But eight months on, as I paused to think about how much I have achieved so far, I get this nagging thought in some smallish corner of my mind. I'm not quite sure what it is though. Need more time to figure out why. I've done quite a bit of things in my short tenure here. The new website. Employees' portal. Internal comms newsletter. Yet the longer I stay here, the more I discover what the people are like, and the more my initial spark is diffused. It is difficult to propagate messages that motivate people when you see the ugly side of people. How can I propagate something which I know is untrue? That would be deceit, ain't it? It is challenging to be creative when you're starting to get jaded by the culture of the organisation. The sheer lack of trust and the way people pick on the smallest of things really disgust me. Will things really change?

I've never been more jaded in my work life than now. I left my previous employments due to sheer boredom and saturation. This time round, it's a different mood altogether... I want to do more but I feel it is against my conscience somewhat? Yet to say that is too strong a description. Shall leave this for now while I find a way to make myself less disgusted with sheer lip service and how people truly behave here...