Think (Part 1)

22 more days. How fast.
2005's approaching its last moments. Do I hear The Final Countdown?
Yes this post's about reflections, regrets, and gratitude.

Every year this time, is a time when cowie starts retreating into the safety of her shell. Where she can have some quiet time looking back at the past year, taking stock of what's happened and what's been done.

No surprises; 2005 is just as drama. Every year, ever since cowie grew up and learnt more about life's pains and happiness, there'll bound to be some major upheavals and crashes. Each new year welcomes her on a high note, and leaves her confused towards the end.

Am I genuinely happy/thankful/in unknowing self-denial/trying to be strong/plain sad?

To be honest, I really don't know.

This year's a different kind of rollercoaster ride altogether. For a first (1st Jan to be exact), I took a brave step in accepting that love does happen in the most bizarre of ways. He did too. Jaws dropped, wide-as-saucer eyes, shakes of disapprovals, and exaggerated 'what?!!??!' were the reactions I got. Even I couldn't believe cowie did it - cowie the cynic, cowie the practicalist. Sure, when I fall, I fall hard, I fall long. But I was quite sure no long distance relationships for me. Too far.. too tough. Until he came along, and I shot myself in both feet. He shot his too.

** Feb **
Anyway, this bizzare cheesy couple finally met up in Feb just before CNY. Went Terminal 2's toilet so many times I swear I've made it into Guinness. Tried to breathe deep to calm down. But the zillions of thoughts colliding and confusing one another didn't help. When the ice finally broke (thanks to Stephen Chow on cable tv), it felt like I'd known him for decades. Where have you been all my life? Definitely bull's eye this time.

** Feb, Mar **
Second, the severing of ties with my so-called 'family' around Feb, Mar. People who became my god-family because of Nustar, and whom I thought had some real bond with. But it had to end, with me being the cold-blooded ingrate in some people's eyes. Whatever. I simply cannot ignore how my blood-related family felt and how they were embroiled into the sticky entanglement because of the other 'family'. Had enough of empty talk and air-kissing.. Who was there to render REAL monetary help? So much so for 6-figure salaries and swanky talk of hefty commissions they're getting. WE, my own blood family and I, had to clear the fucking shit ourselves. The process felt like disentangling hairpins one by one from a hair full of deadknots. No wonder they say blood's thicker than water.

** April **
Come April, had got to know the lady boss of an events company through Reub's client. Small world it is, she happened to be Reub friend's friend too. Even greater drama >> Reub's client is Singaporean, the lady boss is Singaporean, Reub is Brunei PR, and Reub's friend is Bruneian. Talk about bilateral ties and international goodwill! We ought to be presented medals. Haha.. Started working for her and did 3 months of events. Fun but tiring..... I started growing restless, working in a small firm. Can't perform at my best without any structure, I realised. Courtesy of childhood drilling by dad I suppose.... Funny how last time I used to tune out whatever he said, yet now it pops into my head when I thought I'd 'filtered' them words out. Maybe cos baby gave similar advice too. Yeah for a while, I thought I had TWO dads =) Met my parents for the first time. They absolutely loved him. I love you too, baby :)

** April May **
Went for Brunei virgin trip and fell in love with the country. People there are slightly warmer. Different from big city people. Costs of living's lower, pace's slower. Dad and mum would feel right at home here. Was a nervous wreck before the trip though >> fretted over what to wear, what topics for small talk, even thought about where to place my hands and reviewed my walking pattern. My cortisol levels broke all previous records. His family were so nice, I came back Singapore with assorted gifts like homemade yam cake and snake beans.

** June **
Was restless and concidentally knew this bunch of new people. Work ain't too fulfilling, and I started slipping into abyss again. The new people became my (temporary) solace. Did stupid things and broke my man's heart. Decided to come clean with it, cos I just couldn't lie to the one I love. Buckets of tears.. hour-long talks and introspections. Both realized our contributing faults, and continued with a clearer idea of each other's expectations.

To be continued..