Daddy

21/05/05 (Saturday 11.50am)
Dad came home with food around 10plus this morning. We left house together since I needed to go office tie up some stuff.. As we made our way to the carpark, I was suddenly filled with an overwhelming sense of pride for the man walking 2 steps ahead of me.

Hidden beneath that stout figure and grey hair, is a noble spirit who loves his family unconditionally. My eyes welled suddenly, and I had to blink the emotions away. It's a weird feeling.. I've never felt a pride as strongly before. Not for this man.. not for any other person i believe, in the years to come. But in that fleeting instance of realizing how much sacrifices he had made for us.. for me.. I remembered something he told me on one of those rare talks we had.

"After your grandmother passed away, I had no one to share my downs with.. you were young then and your mother's too sheltered to understand."

Hence I dedicate this piece to him, for his unwavering strength and dedication in his role. For being a loving and understanding husband to my mother, for being there when I needed his guidance. And for picking himself up after a hard fall because he still has a family to take care of.

We had another talk one of these nights about my career path so far. He said he gave the go-ahead last year cos godma told him, "give your child a chance". I was present too. All along i had thought he really wanted to give me a chance to try out something by agreeing to Nuskin. Only now did I realize how wrong I had been.

That night he finally revealed to me his true reasons. At that time our relationship was rather tense, and if he had said no, i'll most probably get all defensive and assume he doesn't trust my capabilities. Not wanting to have a head-on with me, and thinking that maybe he should give his little gal a chance, he agreed...
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25/05/05 (Wed 00:33am)
Dad waited for me downstairs for close to an hour. I'm still feeling ashamed as I type this.. Apologized profusely to him beforehand that it was cos' our meeting dragged on. By the time I came down he was wiping and cleanin his car, with a slightly black face. I said sorry sorry.. and slumped into the backseat, feeling guilty.

On our way home, he started to talk. I made the extra effort to chat too, and asked if he's still driving after dropping me. He said no, no point plus his gult's givin him problems again. Mentioned that DBS folks called home this morning. I said yeah they called me on my mobile too. Then he offered to help me pay the computer loan.. I refused out of pride and said "see how". I really don't wish him or mum to pay anything for me anymore.. Though I'm already living on negative income and my current job pays peanuts.

That is how much he loves me. How THEY love me. Always wanting the best for me.. always ensuring their little girl is happy.. always there to provide a listening ear or a strong shoulder. A classic example would be Uncle Lawrence's issue. We met up with him last night to close the whole matter and to explain what went wrong and what's the outcome of it. Without dad's help, I would easily have been run down by the shrewd businessman.

One year down since, I'm happy to say our relationship has turned for the better. I know I've changed. He hasn't changed much, since post-panadol time (that mini-crisis was when he really realised it's time to let go). He still loves me as much. Despite the times I've disappointed him, despite the times I've been nasty to him and said words that belie what I truly feel inside. Last Friday night, he told me he rushed downstairs to bring me an umbrella cos' it suddenly poured. But when he got there I was already gone. When I heard what he did, i was stunned for awhile. I'm already grown up, Daddy. There's no need for that... What if you had slipped n fell? But the words that came out were "Oh, a cab came when I was near the road.. and I ran for it. That's why gone so fast."

TIll now I still feel touched by that incident..seriously. My eyes are welling as I write. Perhaps it's also due to an accumulation of unsaid thank-you's n gratitude for everything Dad has done for me the past 23 years. Because I was brought up the typical Asian way, with dire lack of affectionate praises n outwardly expressions, i'm still learnin how to show my appreciation. I do make the effort to say 'thank you', 'sorry' n 'please' more often.. I don't accept lifts or favors from him as often. It is time fer me to take on the responsibilities Dad has been shouldering for the past 20-odd years. If not all, then at least half of it..

Well I'm still learnin each step along the way.. I'm makin it a daily habit to ask the big fella up there to watch over him closely. Just as Dad has done for me from the day I was born.